Posts
If there's one thing this festive time of year has taught me, it's that people are idiots. Well, I say taught me but I kinda knew that already, so let's just say it reinforced that opinion. Why? Well, I did most of my Christmas shopping online and, whilst just surfing around, I decided to see how people had reviewed certain films that are considered shit. Uber-shit.
So without further ado, I present to you:
Amazon.co.uk Fucktard Theatre!
Let’s begin by casting our mind back a few years to a piece of cinematic smegma known as Epic movie.
After awarding the film five stars, Andrew Walker writes:
“its a great film just like the airplane films but with films its great how thay put all the films together and captain jack is great with the spoof on dead mans chest great film good fun”
What can we learn from this review? Well it’s clear that Andy is an unconventional guy who doesn’t play by the rules of grammar. He lives on the edge, loving fast and dying young. Either that or he’s a fourteen year old who never learnt how to write at school. A quick glance at his profile page shows us that he has reviewed six items. Five of these receive five stars. Two of these are The Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (Standard and special edition). Another is the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD game. The third is the aforementioned Epic movie and the last is a book about how to play monopoly. Dunno where that one came from. None of these have reviews have any punctuation so at least the fucktard is consistent in his unprofessionalism. Oh and the last item was a different Pirate-based DVD game, to which he gave three stars.
Ok, lets move on to my personal favourite film of all time, Batman and Robin…. Sorry, shouldn’t even joke about that…. Caused my spleen to rupture. Anyway, the film has an average of two stars, which is one star too high if you ask me (and that’s only because you can’t give no stars on amazon). Still, two people had the balls to give this film five stars. Let’s see what they had to say.
“This film has a fantastic story line, which is never tiresome.” Claims A Customer (Didn’t even have the balls to use a username.) “The clarity on DVD is trully amazing, and the colours and music very stimulating. A dramatic film, which is sometimes too scarry in parts, for smaller children, but my 5 year old son Grant loves it.”
Well, this person is clearly a parent of some kind and I suggest that the authorities rescue poor Grant immediately. Seriously, this film has a fantastic storyline? What fucking planet is this fucking moron fucking from? Fuck! This person also seems to believe that when you add a y to the end of a word you must immediately double up on the letters in front of it. Trully? Scarry? Fucking idiot.
Next up we have Reviewer telling us Anal-Retentive people that we should all lighten up. Keep in mind that this review was written in February 2008. It’s very important when you get to the end.
“I really quite enjoyed this movie. Its completely over-the-top bravado impressed me. Be warned though, if you take Batman seriously then you shouldn't watch. But for the majority of us, the non-anally retentive people, then this movie is a lot of fun and well worth a rental.
The villains were very cool in this one, and we had FOUR!! Arnie got better as the film went on. He was a real hoot. Uma was totally over-the-top and crazy as Poison Ivy. She was funny and extremely hot! There was also Bane as Ivy's sidekick who was funny whenever he appeared even though (and probably because) nothing he said ever made any sense! Then there was Bane's creator, Dr Woodrue played by John Glover with probably the best performance of the film. I wish he could have been in more of it.
The heroes weren't so flash though. Alicia Silverstone was spunky as Batgirl but the title characters, Batman and Robin as played by Clooney and O'Donnell were pretty lame. Batman was made to say too many corny one-liners. This should have been left to the villains, it suits them. It definitely didn't suit Batman. Robin was just flat out annoying. Michael Gough as Alfred actually gives quite a good dramatic performance in amongst all the campiness, I'm not sure why he bothered.
The SFX were great. The weren't at all realistic which was the way it was intended to be you fools! The whole film is dazzling on the eyes, whether it be the sets or the aray of good looking actors and actresses. Too put together a film of this large of a scale is quite an achievement. Anyone who says that Schumacher isn't a good director, doesn't know anything about directing films.
This is definitely one of the best no-brainer films of recent years. To all you people who are pining for the miserable Burton Batmans, get stuffed. Burton made his two movies, if you like them so much, then go and watch THEM. Schumacher has now made his two films to appeal to a different audience. Now it's probably time to see what someone else will do with the franschise. I can't wait."
The villains were very cool in this one, and we had FOUR!! Arnie got better as the film went on. He was a real hoot. Uma was totally over-the-top and crazy as Poison Ivy. She was funny and extremely hot! There was also Bane as Ivy's sidekick who was funny whenever he appeared even though (and probably because) nothing he said ever made any sense! Then there was Bane's creator, Dr Woodrue played by John Glover with probably the best performance of the film. I wish he could have been in more of it.
The heroes weren't so flash though. Alicia Silverstone was spunky as Batgirl but the title characters, Batman and Robin as played by Clooney and O'Donnell were pretty lame. Batman was made to say too many corny one-liners. This should have been left to the villains, it suits them. It definitely didn't suit Batman. Robin was just flat out annoying. Michael Gough as Alfred actually gives quite a good dramatic performance in amongst all the campiness, I'm not sure why he bothered.
The SFX were great. The weren't at all realistic which was the way it was intended to be you fools! The whole film is dazzling on the eyes, whether it be the sets or the aray of good looking actors and actresses. Too put together a film of this large of a scale is quite an achievement. Anyone who says that Schumacher isn't a good director, doesn't know anything about directing films.
This is definitely one of the best no-brainer films of recent years. To all you people who are pining for the miserable Burton Batmans, get stuffed. Burton made his two movies, if you like them so much, then go and watch THEM. Schumacher has now made his two films to appeal to a different audience. Now it's probably time to see what someone else will do with the franschise. I can't wait."
Ok, so where to begin with this fucking idiot? There’s his opinion that Michael Gough shouldn’t even have bothered acting during this film which is an interesting take on cinema I guess. The fact that since he’s waiting to see what someone else will do with the franchise he’s never heard of Batman Begins or the (at the time) upcoming The Dark Knight. Or maybe it’s the fact that he clearly prefers Schumacher’s entries into the series than Burton’s. Now, Burton’s films aren’t exactly great versions of the Batman story but they are good films whereas Schumacher has nothing going for him. I guess they could be good adaptations of the 60s TV Show but that’s about it.
What really get’s me about this though, is he paragraph about the villains. Arnie got better and better? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think each ice pun was better than the last? Uma Thurman was hot? Well, maybe it’s not fair to judge his own personal opinion of women but I only ever thought she was fuckable in Pulp Fiction. And as for Bane. One, I’m fairly sure Bane didn’t speak at all in the film so I’m not sure where he got this idea of Bane’s hilarious nonsensical dialogue from. Secondly, Bane isn’t supposed to be funny. He’s meant to be smart AND strong. He broke Batman’s back for fucks sake! And as for even mentioning John Glover as a villain… Really? He’s just a plot device, intended to move the story from here to here. Fucking idiot.
Well, that was fun. Feel like doing it again sometime.
No comments:
Post a Comment