Top 10 Films That Influenced Me As A Youngling: Part 2

Yes I’ve finally returned with the second part of this list. Sorry it took me so long, it’s been a weird week. So without further ado, let’s get into it. Remember E.T. and Star Wars are taken as given.

5. Transformers

Yes, the original Transformers cartoon movie, set in the futuristic world of 2005! Alright, It seemed like along way away when the film was released in 1986. The film opens with the reveal of Unicron, a planet eating mother-fucker who, appropriately enough, eats a planet inhabited by robots. Unicron, of course, was the last film role of Orson Welles. Yes, Citizen fucking Cane ended his life by voicing a gigantic planet eating robot. Not only that but Leonard Nemoy also shows up, as does Eric Idle!
There are, however, two things that this film is largely remembered for. The first is the soundtrack which features a Weird Al song ‘Dare To Be Stupid’ but more importantly Stan Bush’s ‘The Touch.’ Is the song terrible? Yes, terribly awesome! Let’s have a listen:

The other thing that this film is known for is the relentless robot slaughter that takes place on screen. Many, many Transformers die, especially during the film’s first battle when the Decepticons attack the Autobots base one Earth. Why was there so much robotic carnage? Well, it was so they could clear out the old cast, introduce new characters and have a whole host of new toys to sell!

There is one death in particular which stands out, of course. Robot God himself, Optimus “The Christ” Prime lays down his life so that other Autobots might live to fight the good fight another day. There is no way to describe how it feels to see Prime die when you are a child, especially so damn early in the film. And what’s worse? Optimus’s final act as the Autobot leader is to hand the Matrix of Leadership to Ultra Magnus who is a total fuck up. So we’re left with the impression that Prime has shit judgement. I guess I can give him a pass since he was dying at the time but still… So there’s the influence, the first time I remember feeling terrible about the death of a fictional character.

4. The Goonies

Hey You Guys! Fuck yeah, The Goonies. Action, adventure, pirates! What more could you want from a children’s film? Well, lots more and the Goonies has it all. The story revolves around a group of children trying to find the treasure of One Eyed Willy so that they can save their homes. Throw in a crime family with a deformed son and you’ve got a recipe for success.

Is it me or were children’s films of the 80s a little more risqué than the stuff you see today? This film has references to sex and drugs, the characters swear and there are times when it genuinely seems as though the kids could die. I noticed the same thing in the Explorers and other 80s kids films such as D.A.R.Y.L. and even E.T. Elliott gets wasted for fuck’s sake.

There is so much I remember about this film that it’s almost impossible for me to write about it. The truffle shuffle, Mikey’s moment ‘alone’ with One Eyed Willy, Data’s gadgets, Corey Feldman being a cool motherfucker, Josh Brolin riding a girls bike, Sloth, Chunk’s breaking down during his lengthy confession… Fucking hell, every damn frame of this film is gold.

3. Gremlins 2

I saw the original Gremlins when I was probably around 6. Too young, perhaps, but I loved it. The violence was so over the top and crazy that I don’t think I was really scared by it. It seemed almost like watching a live action cartoon. So if that was the reaction my young mind had to the first film, the second one took that and ramped it up to eleven.

Now I know some people are going to say that Gremlins 2 is inferior to the first film and to those people I say shut your goddamn whore mouths. I saw this film at just the right time for it be forever ingrained in my mind as the better of the two. There’s so much I love here. The genetically mutated gremlins, in particular the Brain Gremlin, voiced by Tony Randall, who is one of my favourite movie characters of all time with one of my favourite quotes:

“Now bear in mind, none of us has been in New York before. There are the Broadway shows - We’ll have to find out how to get tickets. There’s also a lot of street crime but I believe we can watch that for free.”

He is the epitome of what a gremlin with intelligence should be, a bizarre creature with a warped view of what civilisation should be. There’s also poor old Spike, born as a mogwai with a mohawk meaning he’s destined to be the leader of the Gremlins but this role is kinda usurped by Brain Gremlin so Spike ends up as a spider hybrid instead.

The violence is even more over the top and cartoonish than the first instalment and the whole thing is just a little more than tongue-in-cheek, with self-referential gags throughout, including Leonard Maltin with a review of the original film. Fuck, I’ve knackered myself just thinking about this film. It’s awesome.

2. Jurassic Park

1993 saw the release of three major films involving dinosaurs. One, We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story, would be largely forgotten about. The second would be despised and reviled for years to come, Super Mario Bros. and the third would be Jurassic Park.

Now, it’s a well known fact boys love dinosaurs but perhaps I more than most. Christ, when I was a kid I wanted to be a palaeontologist. I even had a favourite palaeontologist in the form of Bob Bakker. He has an awesome beard and a character based on him appeared in the sequel, The Lost World. I had toy dinosaurs all around my room. My carpet had dinosaur footprints in it. I loved every damn dinosaur thing that came my way, Denver The Last Dinosaur, Dink The Littlest Dinosaur, The Land Before Time and Dinoriders (which clearly had the best quality dinosaur toys.) It was all awesome, so when Jurassic Park came along, what choice did I have but to love it?

Dinosaurs were brought to life in a way they never had before. Gone were the days of bits of cardboard being stuck to lizards, stop motion animation and men in giant rubber suits (sorry Godzilla). These things looked like living, breathing animals. People say that the effects look a little dated nowadays but I can’t see it. Every time I watch it, I watch it with a child’s eyes. The sense of wonder and amazement I felt as a child at seeing a T-Rex attacking a couple of cars it still there with me today. What more can I say? It’s one of the few films that just makes me feel like a kid again.



1. Jaws

Iconic music. Iconic characters. An iconic monster. This film was my favourite when I was a kid and it’s probably my favourite now. I often have a hard time trying to decide which is my favourite film but it turns out if I’m thinking about long and hard than this is definitely it. Simple as that.

The film simply ramps up the tension with every scene by employing a technique, familiar in later films, in which you have a killer which you don’t see until fairly close to the end of the film, most of the time the action is seen through the shark’s eyes as he stalks his prey, the tension highlighted by John Williams simple but awesome Jaws theme. It doesn’t pull any punches either, with both a dog and a kid getting killed. This leaves you with the feeling that everyone is a potential meal for the great white menace.

Now many horror films, and I was technically consider Jaws a horror film, have an iconic killer but the rest of the characters are essentially cardboard cut-out stereotypes. Not so in Jaws. You have Chief Brody, the good cop who knows the score but who no one will listen to. He’s also shit scared of water. There’s also Matt Hooper, shark expert and of course Quint. Quint is without a doubt in my top three movie characters off all time. He’s the one who was most in danger of being a stereotype, just your typical salty sea-dog type but he has just enough back story and personality to make him stand out from the crowd.

And god, there are so many great scenes in this film. When the shark comes up when Brody’s chumming to the simple scene where Sean is copying his father‘s actions. Fuck, the scene where Ben Gardner’s head bobs out of his boat still makes me jump and I’ve seen this film a thousand times. But the scene that really stands out, in my opinion one of the greatest scenes in cinema is this:



Fucking Ay.

So there you have it. The list is finished. But come back soon for more reviews, lists and articles. Laterz.

fear nd lothing drunk xperimnt

Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas: A Tribute Review

On the 20th of February, 2005, Hunter Stockton Thompson died of a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head. By the time, it could be argued, he had grown to be more legend than man. A note was found near his body which read:

“No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun - for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your age. Relax - This won’t hurt.”

Hunter had accomplished much in his life. He had become a great journalist, chronicling many a sporting event and presidential campaign. He had unsuccessfully run for Sheriff in the town of Aspen and he had become a documenter of the American way of life. Be it Hell’s Angels rallies, the Kentucky Derby or the bright lights and dark corners of Las Vegas, Thompson managed to view the world in a way that most other journalists couldn’t because of his unique brand of Gonzo journalism, a technique developed mainly out of desperation and looming headlines. Far easier to simply write up your first person notes and fax them to a magazine than try and write an objective story when the deadline is a few hours away.

Four years have passed since that time and since I attempt to write movie reviews, I figured it would be time to review Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I had considered reviewing Gonzo: The Life and Works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson but I haven’t watched it enough times yet for me to fully appreciate it which is not some I can say for Fear and Loathing. If anything I’ve watched it too many damn times, if such a thing were possible. There was a time when I could probably quote pretty much the whole movie, and found myself doing it again as I watched this film this morning. So grab a bottle of that devil ether and an American flag and join me on a search for the American Dream. After all, if anything’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

Oh god, where to begin with this film? Well, how about somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert? Yes, that seems good. So that’s where the film opens, just as the drugs begin to take hold. Oh god, I have a feeling this is pretty much how this review is gonna go. Maybe a plot synopsis isn’t the best way to go about this. Best to leave it for now, get drunk and come back to it.
Ok so I’m back nowe and fuck this. Shh h for a minute. I need to finish of tjis beer. This is so fucking asllu fucking srupifdstupid.. I don’t knbow why I even tried to make tis good. In memory of hunter im gone.look I typed this fuck rhe stupidity. Who else is gonna come out and misspell domeone? Noone becasi I. Im gonna nmpost this tuo cvinepub. Fuck were stupid. Re.

Top 10 Films That Influenced Me As A Youngling: Part 1

The films you watch as a child will probably go some way to influencing your choice of movies as an adult. Sure, your tastes may refine as you get older. Some art house films may make their way into your collection, the odd underground hit or perhaps a foreign film or two but chances are that if you watched a lot of films of a particular type as a child, you will generally enjoy those kinds of films when you grow up. By the way, some films should just be taken as a given such as E.T. and Star Wars,

So what films then have most influenced my modern preference of cinema viewing? Let’s look, won’t we?

10: Son Of Godzilla

Yeah, that’s right. Son of Godzilla. Admittedly one of the weaker films in the series starring the king of the giant rubber monsters, the G-Man himself but I loved this movie as a kid. It’s got giant praying mantises, a giant spider, a baby Godzilla and glorious bad dubbing. Now I’m generally a subtitles man but fuck it, if I’m watching a Godzilla film, I want bad dubbing! The story revolves around the birth of the big dude’s son, Minilla, and his development. There’s another story revolving some Japanese meteorologists but who cares what the people are doing? Fuck ‘em.
There are some great moments in this film, most of which revolve around Godzilla being mildly abusive towards his son. Ah, giant reptile child abuse. It’s what I live for. There are some fun moments such as Minilla jumping over his dad’s tail whilst he’s sleeping, the baby’s attempt at breathing nuclear fire resulting in nothing but nuclear smoke rings and a few nice moments in which Godzilla protects his son from attacks from mantises and the spider. The ending is also bitter sweet as the monsters island home is covered with a blanket of snow, and Godzilla is shown protecting Minilla from the cold as they go into hibernation.
So this film is the reason that I love Godzilla films. All of them. Well, except for that one Godzilla film. Ugh. You know the one I mean.
One final note about this film. I once saw a poster for it and the tagline read thusly: “Have You Ever Seen A Monster Hatch From A Monster Egg? No? You Will!” Awesome.


9. Short Circuit

I love robots. I love Dr. Pepper. Therefore I love Short Circuit. It’s one of those films that seems to have moulded my life in tiny little ways that I often don’t realise. I’ll sometimes just yell out the word “Input!” whilst reading, so it’s a good thing I generally read while I’m by myself, sometimes I’ll yell “Disassemble!” in a terrified manner, I say the name Stephanie in an odd manner and I can only sing “More Than A Woman” in the style of Number 5.

So what’s the film about? Do I really have to explain it? Fine. It’s about a military robot, Number 5, who gets struck by lightning and comes all to life and that. He escapes from his military compound and goes off about town learning about what it means to be alive and what it means to die. Of course a remake is now in the works and I was one of those people who wasn’t that bothered by the whole remake thing. Sure I wanted to see more original things coming from Hollywood but it’s not like they could possibly detract from the originals at all? Could they? Of course, that was how I felt before the Friday the 13th debacle. I refuse to finish my reviews of the original films simply because I saw that damn film.


8. Dark Crystal

Hell yeah! Puppets are good, Muppets are awesome and this film is rife with them. Not your typical fuzzy animal fare mind you. Rather horrible, freakish nightmare creatures that are based on vultures. Ugh, the Skeksis used to freak me the fuck out when I was a kid, in fact only two things probably freaked me out more, the father alien in Mac and Me and the Child Catcher in Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang. Oh god, I think I’m gonna be sick. Why do you taunt me nightmare monsters from my youth?

Still, the freakishness of the Skeksis is counteracted by the greatness of the UrRu because they look a bit like anthropomorphised giant ground sloths and giant ground sloths are awesome. As for the Gelflings, well, them I can take or leave. They just leave pretty much no impression on me whatsoever.

So what was the influence that Dark Crystal had on me? Well I guess it gave me an appreciation for the fantasy genre and for epic movies in general. As far as I know I hadn’t really seen many films with the kind of scope that this film had, maybe The Neverending Story but I can barely remember that movie at all, and the fact that it was all done with puppetry makes it even more impressive.


7. Explorers

For years I couldn’t remember what this film was called. It was on a video which was full of movie taped for me, simply called “Jamie’s Tape.” So when it came time for me to buy it, I was faced with a bit of a dilemma. The video was up in the loft and I sure as hell wasn’t going to go up there and find it. So I searched and I searched the internet and finally, I found it. It was awesome.

The film is about three kids who build a spaceship after one of them has a surrealistic dream giving them instructions. The spaceship takes them deep into outer space where they meet two aliens obsessed with television. One of the aliens, Wak, seems to enjoy imitating Earth broadcasts such as Bugs Bunny and Mr. Ed. It’s all very fun until a larger ship attacks the aliens. They boys are told it’s space Pirates and warned that they should leave but they soon discover it’s actually the aliens father, reprimanding them for stealing one of the family cars. It’s an all round great sci-fi adventure film and definitely went some way towards my love of sci-fi today. One last interesting fact is that it was the first feature film for both River Phoenix and Ethan Hawke.


6. Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory

This film is the greatness. A surrealistic mind fuck through a chocolate wonders cape, the eponymous factory as owned by Sir William Wonka. From shrinking corridors to fizzy lifting drinks, everything in this film elicits a response of wonderment and sometimes flat out, bat shit crazy terror. I’m thinking of one scene in particular. Let’s take a look:



Did you see that crazy shit? Woah, a chicken got it’s head all chopped off! And that dude with the millipede crawling across his face. That was pretty weird, eh? It would, of course, all just be a random collection of images if not for Gene Wilder’s fantastic, increasingly hysterical singing. Let’s take a look at the lyrics for a minute:

Round the world and home again
That's the sailor's way
Faster faster, faster faster

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing

Fuck me. That’s awesome.


Well this seems like a good time to take a break, part two will be up tomorrow. If you’re wondering why I’m not going into too much detail on some of these films, well, it’s because I plan to review them. Laterz.

Review: Tron

I don’t know how I had gone through 24 years of my life, trying to watch as many cult classic films as possible without ever seeing Tron. I had known that the movie existed ever since I could think as an adult and yet I had just never found a way to see it. Still this film is so painfully up my alley that I just don’t understand how it could have taken me so long to see it.

Maybe I was put off by the special effects. Thinking about it, I probably wouldn’t have realised this film was out there until after I’d seen Jurassic Park and any special effects that came before that instantly seemed to pale in comparison.

So what’s the point of all this rambling? Well, I was just checking out amazon.co.uk, deciding which movies I should buy to add to the hallowed collection, a collection which contains the likes of David Attenborough’s Life Collection, The Lord Of The Rings Extended Edition Boxset and Masters of The Universe. So I made my choices, picking up Tropic Thunder, Knocked up and The Black Sabbath Story Part 2. I needed something more in order to get the price to a nice round figure and there I saw Tron: Twentieth Anniversary Edition for under a fiver and so I thought, why not?

Anyway the DVD’s arrived the next day and so I popped in Tron and began to watch. I was amazed. This wasn’t the movie I’d made up in my head at all. In my mind I had imagined Tron was about a few people who had gotten trapped in a computer game and most of it was made up of Light Cycle clashes. This plot I had made up for the movie may have been another reason as to why I hadn’t seen this film. The film was much, much better than I’d ever imagined. Spoilers Ahead.

The story concerns Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges), computing genius and his attempts to expose Encom company head Ed Dillinger (David Warner) for taking credit for computer games he had designed and then firing him. Flynn’s repeated attempts to hack into Encom’s system is prevented by the company’s Master Control Program (Voiced by Warner) and after his latest attempt, MCP and Dillinger decide it’s best to shut down access to the system for software writing employees. This pisses off software designer Alan Bradley (Bruce Boxleitner) and researcher Dr. Lora Baines (Cindy Morgan) and they decide to help Flynn break into Encom so he can try and take down Encom from the inside. MCP defends itself by zapping Flynn with an experimental laser and digitizes him, transporting him into the system.

It’s here that Flynn meets the sentient programs that inhabit the world of the computer network and finds that they are now at the mercy of the fascistic rule of MCP and his second in command Sark (also played by David Warner). He discovers that those programs who profess a belief in the Users, those who wrote them and brought them to life, are forced to fight for their lives in assorted video games such as the famous Light Cycle one. Flynn is taken to a holding pen to await his turn in the video game where he meets Tron (Boxleitner again) and Ram (Dan Shor). Tron is a high powered security program with orders from his user, Alan, to take down MCP and Ram is an accounting program.

The three are taken to the Light Cycle arena and manage to escape, with Sark’s forces in pursuit in digital tanks. The tanks manage to hit Flynn and Ram whilst Tron escapes. The tanks pursue Tron, assuming Flynn and Ram to be dead. Well, they ain’t. They hide out in the dumped remains of a video game vehicle named a Recogniser and Flynn discovers he has the ability to restore the thing to almost full working order. Then Ram dies which is fine because he’s a fairly boring auxiliary character at this point anyway. Goodbye Ram.

So Tron meets up with Yori (Cindy Morgan again) and they go to a temple like I/O Tower wherein Tron communicates with his user, Alan, who arms him with the code needed in order to take down MCP. Tron and Yori then head towards the MCP with Flynn eventually catching up to them and explaining that he is a User with special abilities. Yori and Flynn are captured by Sark whilst Tron manages to stow away on his ship. Sark is transporting some ‘religious nuts’ to MCP so that he can absorb their code into his programming and informs Yori and Flynn that they will be de-rezzed along with the ship after Sark and his prisoners have been departed. This begins to happen but Flynn manages to bring Yori back with his super User powers. Hooray!

Tron begins to fight Sark and is winning until MCP gives him unrivalled power and transforms him into Sarkzilla. Flynn leaps from the ship into the MCP, causing enough of a distraction for Tron to finally hurl his disc into it, thus destroying it. The world of the circuit boards slowly begins to return to normal and Flynn is returned to his home world. The next day Dillinger comes to work and realises that, not only is MCP offline but Flynn has obtained the information needed to take him down. The final scene shows us that all is well and Flynn is now the CEO of Encom. Huzzah!

So what have we learned? Well, for one Jeff Bridges is computer Jesus, a god who comes to save the computer world, takes on the body of a Program, performs miracles and ultimately sacrifices his earthly (or in this case computerly) body so that others may live. Flynn is cooler though because he has a glowing suit and a motorbike made of light. Yeah, take that Jesus! With your ridiculous sandals and donkey. You gonna outride a Light Cycle on a donkey? Huh? Are ya, Jesus? Pfft, where’s ya messiah now?

Overall the film is pretty awesome. The special effects may seem dated compared to today’s CGI fest but allow yourself to be taken back to that time. Spend a day playing Pong, Pac-man or Space Invaders before watching this film. Then you’ll be able to appreciate it for what it is. There are sequences in this film are essentially what people thought video games might look like if you took them from their 2-d world and could place them in the 3rd dimension and considering this is 1982, I’d say they did a damn fine job of creating a unique, interesting world based on a seemingly mundane looking thing such as a circuit board.

In closing I’d just like to say that this is a worthy addition to any DVD collection. I can see a small percentage of people maybe being bored with this as it can move a little slow at time, particularly before Flynn enters the computer world and when he is by himself, but I think most people will be able to stay on board.

The Vampire Double Feature: Let The Right One In and Twilight

Ah, Vampires. I’ve always liked the undead, blood-sucking little bastards. Wow, Microsoft Word doesn’t recognise the word undead. That’s unexpected. Anyway, blood drinking monsters have existed for as long as civilisation but the suave, pale seducer that we know as the vampire today has only really been around since the 19th Century and is most famously portrayed in Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula.
In this day and age, Vampires are not just some of the most popular movie monsters but also some of the silver screens most popular sympathetic characters. They symbolise the gift and curse of immortality, the inherent loneliness of living forever, the harsh truth behind the fantasy. They also represent a dark side to our sexuality, a very real, forbidden predatory nature with the act of penetration replaced with the biting of the neck and the drinking of the blood.
So with that in mind, let’s get into today’s two reviews, the 2008 Swedish language film, Let The Right One In and another 2008 film, this one in English, Twilight. Let’s begin with Let The Right One In.

Directed by Tomas Alfredson and based on the 2004 novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist of the same name, Let The Right One In, tells the tale of a 12 year old Swedish boy and his blossoming friendship with a 200 year old vampire.
Set in the 1980’s, Oskar is a young troubled boy, bullied at school, who spends his free time alone stabbing trees. It’s whilst doing this that he first meets Eli, someone who has recently moved into the area with a man who is apparently her father. She only comes out during the night and has an odd choice of clothing for the freezing cold weather.
Over time their friendship grows, cemented in the fact that they are both outsiders with no friends but each other. They begin communicating with each other by banging on the wall between their rooms when they can’t be outside together. Their relationship eventually reaches a point where Oskar decides to cement their relationship by cutting their palms and mixing their blood. At this point Eli cannot help herself and so her secret is revealed to Oskar.
This is about all I’m willing to reveal about the plot. I honestly cannot express how much you owe it to yourself to see this film. It manages to tell a sweet, romantic story between the mortal and the immortal, whilst balancing it perfectly with the acts of horrific gore that Eli must perpetrate in order to survive. It also touches on some of those familiar vampire themes mentioned earlier, particularly the loneliness of the immortal soul but it also manages to place equal emphasis on the loneliness of the mortal in this relationship as well.



And so to the second film in this double feature, Twilight, another vampire film based on a novel, this time the wildly popular 2005 first novel in the series of the same name and tells the tale of a seventeen year old American girl and her blossoming romance with a 108 year old vampire.
The story begins with Bella Swan moving from Arizona to Washington to live with her father since her mother and step-father are going on a bit of a road trip. At school she makes a few new friends and becomes interested in an apparently young man by the name of Edward Cullen. It seems at first that Edward is repulsed by Bella but a few days later he saves her life when she’s nearly hit by a van, apparently making use of super speed and super strength. A few days later Bella figures out Edwards secret.
In the sake of fairness I’m going to leave any revelations about the plot there, though this certainly isn’t a film you need to see in the same way as Let The Right One In. I was however surprised by it. I wanted so much to hate this film. It seems, though I consider my self politically liberal, when it comes to movie monsters I’m deeply, deeply conservative. I want my zombies slow and numerous, my werewolves to be vicious, instinct based killers and my vampires to be fanged and to worry a little more than sun burn if they go out in the daytime. And for the first part I did hate this movie. I felt cheated that after 45 minutes I’d seen more compost than blood and more dress shopping scenes than on screen kills. In fact most of the first half of the film seemed to be made up of awkward, furtive glances across a school cafeteria but in the second half of the film things pick up a little with an awesome special effects-laden baseball game and finally a little bit of violence.
Once more the main theme of this film is loneliness and accepting the fact that the immortal can find companionship in a human, but it also explores the relationship between the predatory nature of the vampires and how they regard humans, their prey, which I thought was a nice touch.
Overall I have to say I did enjoy Twilight. I’d definitely recommend it for a rental when it comes out on DVD and depending on the special features, I might even consider adding it to my collection. I mean, hell, I own The Super Mario Bros. movie on DVD and I don’t enjoy that at all.

Friday The 13th Month: Part 2

My video about the second film in the Friday the 13th series.

Top 10 Films That Make Me Cry

Jamie here. If there’s one thing I’ve come to realise over the years it’s that I’m a fucking pussy when it comes to even the slightest bit of emotion in a film, especially in recent years. I dunno what it is but the slightest sad thing happens and I’m blubbering like a bitch. In that spirit then is this, a list of my top 10 films guaranteed to make me cry. Warning: this list will contain spoilers and where available I’ve tried to show the scenes in question in video form.

10: Toy Story

Perhaps an odd choice but it’s one specific scene in particular. Buzz is determined to fly in order to prove to himself that he can fly and that he is not a toy whilst Randy Newman’s song “I Will Go Sailing No More” plays in the background. The mixture of determination and ultimate realisation combined with that song just tugs at my heart strings.

9: Home Alone

This may be the movie I have seen more times that any other in my entire life. At family Christmas gatherings it always seems to be on at some point plus it’s a particular favourite of certain family members so it’s just as likely to be on at any time of the year. What scene makes me cry? Well, the final one of course, when his mum comes back. If it doesn’t affect you then you’ve got a heart of fucking stone.

8: The Lives Of Others

The scene in which Christa-Maria, believing she had just stabbed her lover Georg in the back in exchange for her own safety decides to take her own life rather than live with guilt of what she has done. The saddest thing? The incriminating evidence had just been removed by the sympathetic agent who had been sent to spy on them.

7: The Lion King
Ah the Lion King. Truly one of the Disney classics and further proof that Disney hates parents. Seriously how many parents have died or are already dead within Disney films? So yes the scene here is, of course, the death of Simba’s father, Mufasa, and the fact that Simba blames himself. Heartbreaking.

6: Brokeback Mountain

Yes, the controversial film about two bisexual cowboys who fall in love. Leave your hang ups at the door and just fucking watch it. It’s an amazing film with a fantastic cast and it’s roles like thos that truly highlight what a great hole Heath Ledger’s death left us with, though his accents a tad dodgy in this. The film that gets the waterworks going? The last scene after Jake has been gay bashed to death when Ennis does up the shirt he retrieves from Jack’s house and is left to reminisce. It’s a simple, quiet and touching moment.



5: Lilo and Stitch

My penultimate animated entry on this list and my personal favourite Disney film. Not sure why exactly. Maybe because it’s quite different from many of the others, maybe it’s the Elvis soundtrack or maybe it’s just the way it touched me. There are several moments in this film that bring me to tears but the biggest one must be the scene that follows when Stitch decides to leave and everyone is feeling thoroughly sad.

4: The Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King

There’s only one scene really that gets me in this film. It’s the scene where the Men of Gondor ride to almost certain death as Pippin sings a song for the seemingly uncaring steward of Gondor as he feast greedily. Wow.

3. Forrest Gump

Now I’ve made fun of this film quite a few times in my life, mainly due to the phrase “Magic Legs”. It’s just a damn funny thing to say. And while this film is indeed quite funny, it can also be quite touching and never quite so much as when Forrest is saying goodbye to Jenny.

2. Batman Begins

I don’t think I’ve ever seen the murder of Bruce Wayne’s parents portrayed so poignantly. From the lead up, the murders themselves and the aftermath, everything in these scenes is perfect for really getting at the love and respect Bruce had for his parents, particularly his father and just goes to explain his clearly damaged psyche a little more. Most heartbreaking of all is when Bruce breaks into tears whilst blaming himself.

1. E.T: The Extra-Terrestrial

Really? Would anyone ever choose anything else?

Honorary Television List

Whilst making this list, I was reminded of a few things from television that had affected me over the years. Here they are in no particular order… except the best is at the end.

Extras - Big Brother Speech

I dunno what it is exactly about this scene that gets me going. Maybe it’s the fact that I was hammered having drunk an entire bottle of Baileys before watching it but I spent the night rewinding and rewatching this scene over and over again.

Futurama - The Luck Of The Fryrish

During the episode Fry is under the assumption that his brother had stolen his lucky 7 leaf clover and his name when he had gone missing. At the end of the episode it is revealed that he had actually named his son after him in one of the most moving scenes ever animated and the best use of “Don’t You Forget About Me” by Simple Minds ever.

Scrubs - My Lunch

Dr. Cox orders transplants for three patients when a supply comes in. Unfortunately the organs are infected with rabies resulting in the disease being passed on to the three patients. For two of the patients, it’s not such as they would have died either way but the third could have waited another month for a transplant and Cox finally loses it. From the music to the acting, everything is perfect.

Scrubs - My Screw Up

In this episode, Dr. Cox’s best friend, and former brother in law, Ben experiences a re-emergence of his cancer. For the most of the episode it seems as though it finally went back into remission until this final scene where it becomes clear Dr. Cox has been living in denial.

Blackadder - Goodbyeee

Wow. This is it. The ultimate saddest ending of anything. Can’t help but notice that all of these have come from comedies. Strange that, maybe that’s why they are so affecting. These scenes are the opposite of what you normally expect from these programs.

Friday The 13th Month: Part 1

My video about the first Friday the 13th film. Yeah it's a little shitty but my laptop kept fucking up, it was half 4 in the morning and I just wanted to get it done.

Review: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Hello readers, and welcome to the review of “My Bloody Valentine 3-D”, a simple story of romance, death, and an awesome five minute, full frontal sex scene that results in some big breasted blonde’s demise. The film’s starting credits begin with newspapers moving all over the place in 3-D, explaining a horrific accident that happened ten years ago in the little town of Harmony, leaving five men dead and put survivor Harry Warden into a coma; in my opinion, the best use of 3-D animation in the entire movie. One year later, on Valentine’s Day of course, Harry Warden unexpectedly awoke from his coma and went on a random killing spree; brutally murdering twenty-two people with a pickaxe before being killed himself.

Now a decade later, Tom Hanniger, the inexperienced miner who was responsible for the death’s of the five men and Warden’s coma, returns to Harmony on, you’ve guessed it, Valentine’s Day, still haunted by the deaths he caused. Subtle much? Hanniger, played by Supernatural star Jensen Ackles, is now dealing with his unresolved feelings for his ex-girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King), who is now married to his best mate Axel (Kerr Smith), the town’s sheriff and a killer sporting a miner’s mask and a pickaxe who is on the loose. Is Harry Warden back from the dead? Or is this a copycat killer? Either way, it’s not that interesting. It’s the 3-D deaths that make this ‘slasher’ film what it is, and they are stupidly grizzly.

The film does have some quality death scenes such as when the killer grabs one man and shoves a pickaxe up through his chin, yanking his weapon back which results in blood spattering to your left and a chunk of the guy’s chin flying to your right. Another one was when the killer swings the pickaxe into the back of a teenager’s head, which shows his eye on the end of the weapon as the pickaxe goes through his eye socket and comes out at you. But the most interesting part of the story has to be the ‘3-D Full-Frontal’.

The scene starts in a seedy hotel where a couple are having sex quite aggressively. The man climaxes, and then goes to leave, as you do, and grabs his jacket, switching off a camcorder he was using. Classy. The blonde starts shouting “I’m not a whore”, but the man chucks her some cash and laughs “You are now”. The man goes to get in his truck, with the blonde tailing him outside, stark naked, with a gun. The man opens his truck door and the killer smashes the pickaxe down into his head, leaving the blonde to run back to the hotel screaming her head off. She gets in and hides under the bed, leaving the killer to remove the duvet covers to reveal her, still naked, under the wire bed frame. She somehow manages to get up, using the bed frame as a shield, and backs into a corner of the room, trapping herself. Hilarious. The killer starts to pierce the wire frame, trying to get the blonde in the head with the pickaxe. After several attempts, the killer then realises what they’re doing wrong and then goes for the stomach, which they hit first time, leaving the blonde pinned to the wall, and you feeling horny after seeing a pair of 3-D breasts bounce around at you for the last five minutes. Nice.

Now, in small doses, the film isn’t half bad; but as a whole, it’s pretty poor. The script is good in places, but not enough to keep you interested. The actor’s did an okay job, but there just isn’t enough continuity for you to care about them when they start dying. The 3-D plotline is all this film has going for it, and even then it wasn’t always appropriate. Still, at least Director Patrick Lussier pulled off a tasteful sex scene. In 3-D. Which was awesome.

Cinepub Rating: Shandy (2 out of 5)

Review: The Day the Earth Stood Still

Could this be the end of the world? Quite possibly, if you actually consider seeing this film. Hello, Chris here, and today is the day the earth stood still. By this, I mean either my watch was broken, or this film really did manage to last two hours. Two hours of a sour plot and bad script courtesy of Director Scott Derrickson and Screenplay Director David Scarpa. Unfortunately, my colleague, Jamie, was not available to review the film with me. And by ‘not available’ I mean he would rather watch ‘Batman and Robin’ if he was in the mood for epic fail.

Now, the story is about the arrival of intriguing alien named Klaatu played by the always-confused Keanu Reeves, armed with a smart suit he pilfered from a psychologist who tries to analyse him, resulting in said psychologists hilarious demise, and the English vocabulary of a household fridge. Klaatu describes himself as a “friend to the Earth” – an apparently simple statement, but one which the cast of this CGI mess realises will destroy them all. By being on “our planet”, a statement Klaatu does not take too kindly to, he triggers a cataclysmic wave of destruction while governments and random scientists race to unravel the mystery of what his intentions are. Now, call me stupid, but I think it’s pretty damn clear that he’s going to kill us all and take what is apparently “unrightfully ours.”

In the midst of it all, the lovely Jennifer Connelly plays Helen; a single mother who inadvertently has a young pain in the ass stepson, Jacob, who acts like a little shit all the time, and wants to kill the intruding alien, as his now dead father, who was in the army, also wanted to kill everything.
Now, I don’t really want to write any spoilers for this shite, but to be fair, I was actually falling asleep in the cinema whilst watching this, so here’s the reason that Keanu has decided to come to our planet in the first place, just in case you find yourself in the same scenario.

Keanu’s statement of being a “friend to the earth” is just another way of saying “You’re all fucked”. Because of the intoxicating fumes and gasses we have been letting off which have been destroying our atmosphere, we are slowly ‘killing’ the earth. That’s right, you’ve guessed it; this film is a really all about global warming. What kind of a fucking twist is that. Mr. Reeves has come to the conclusion that because of the damage we have done to the planet, he and his big robot dildo are going to wipe out all living things on the face of the earth, and start afresh; hence the line “If the earth dies, you die. If you die, the earth will live.” What a tool.

Now, if you still want anything to do with this ‘film’ it will cost you around £4 at the maximum. Don’t bother seeing it in the cinema. Wait until it becomes available on DVD at your local Blockbuster store and snap up a copy, which should be no more than £3.50. Take a stroll then to a nearby convenience store and purchase a pack of matches or a lighter, whatever works for you. When you make it home, take a can of deodorant, and proceed to spray the DVD, encasing it in the flammable liquid. Strike a match, destroy the copy, and do your part for Cinepub. Hell, that’s something I think is worth losing my rental membership for.

Cinepub Rating: This film ‘wank! (1 out of 5)