Amazon Fucktard Theater 2: Fucktard Boogaloo

Yes, it’s time once again too look at those people who haunt the dusty corners of Amazon.co.uk with their disturbingly odd taste in films. The kind of taste that makes Orson Welles cry, Stanley Kubrick tear his hair out and Daniel Day-Lewis drink your milkshake. Drink it all up. Sorry, just re-watched There Will Be Blood.

Anyway, let’s get into it. Vincent Salernitano asked me yesterday to find out what people said about Howard the Duck but I’ve decided to rewatch the film before I pass judgement on the people’s reviews so that will have to wait. Instead I’m going to do something a little different from yesterdays edition and do one in which I look at people who review good films with one star. Here’s Lou Almighty’s Pulp Fiction review to get us started:

“I'll never understand why this film walked away with all the awards it got and was so hyped. PULP FICTION does not live up to any such expectations. Supposedly cool it is just senseless banter most of the time, not really funny but utterly ridiculous, with sudden explosions of violence. If you're looking for a black comedy try THURSDAY - a supposed copy of the Tarantino-style, but far better than anything he made.”

Jesus fucking christ. Everything about this review screams of a person crying out for attention. From the pseudo-intellectual writing style to the recommendation of another film even though anyone with any sense has given up reading the review at this point. Guess I have no sense. Yes, as I think we all know, Pulp Fiction is just senseless banter punctuated with violence. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I’ll admit I’ve never seen Thursday so I can’t comment on that but I honestly get the feeling that whenever someone says something doesn’t live up to expectations over ten years after the film is released, there are part of that weird backlash crowd that hates something just because everyone else loves it.

Now on to a childhood classic, one that I think most people remember fondly, Steven Spielberg’s story of the Like-Christ-But-Better-Coz-He-Gets-Drunk alien, E.T. Ramsey Tupper writes:

“Spielberg making money out of making children cry isn't my idea of a good film. The special effects are terrible, even when it came out they looked ropey, but again it serves to fool children. I couldn't be happy about making my money from making kids cry, and then be able to sleep at night like Spielberg does. ET himself is a plasticy Mother Teresa without lippy on, Elliot is annoying as characters go and the whole alien thing is silly. Fire in the Sky is a better alien film than this.”

What the fuck, Ramsey? Have you no soul? No whimsy about you at all? E.T. is like a woman who didn’t wear lipstick without lipstick on? Also the title of this review is Alienist mushy moneymaker. Alienist? Does he mean it’s offensive to aliens? And he thinks the whole alien thing is silly? Seriously, it’s one of the few films where aliens aren’t trying to blow the shit out of us and not being destroyed by drunken pilots and computer viruses. Really, this whole review reads like it was written by someone who never watched the film, heard it made people cry and saw a picture of E.T. What a fucking idiot.

Ok, now a more modern film, recently released on DVD and Blu-Ray, the Dark Knight. Wether you thought the film went on too long or not, I don’t think you can really say it’s a bad film. But Mr. B Hurren disagrees. In a review titled, Utter pants!!! Totally Dissapointed, he writes:

“OK - This may seem harsh, and all due respect to the dead (Heath Ledger), but I found this to be absolute rubbish, I will not be watching this again.

OK, firstly, the good points: Both Ledger and Bale were excellent in their roles. I cannot fault how brilliantly acted the twisted joker character was, and the bat costume was better than Batman begins.

OK, the Bad:

1. The film was way too long.

2. The story structure was terrible. The hero didnt get the girl, infact Harvey Dent was so superior to Batman, it might as well have been called "Harvey Dark Knight!"

3. Who has ever given a dam for Commisioner Gordon? "Batman teams up with Commisioner Gordon to stop the Joker!" I mean come on! The only reason they made such a big deal about commisioner Gordon was because Gary Oldman no doubt wanted to feel "important!!"

4. Fancy using up the two most popular villains in the batman enterprise and wasting TWO FACE in a very pathetic 30 minute send off!

5. Batman ended up nowhere. There was not a scrap of progression. All his friends (like Morgan Freeman) left him, the girl who he loved died, and Batman was to be hunted forever more!!!

OVER ALL: Again, my condolences to the dead, but i really cant see how a sequel could be made from this. This film totally killed my interest in Batman. I mean, it's called the Dark knight, but there wasnt anything gritty or dark about him. Yes it was realistic, but the first fight scene was in a car park!! I mean what ever happened to the brilliant Tim Burton style 'gothic myst' and 'atmospheric darkness?' Or some thunder and rain effects? This film lacked any imagination.”

Oh, where to begin with this, let’s go point by point.

1. Ok, I know a lot of people feel this way but I disagree. Simple as that. Nothing to fucktarded yet.

2. The hero didn’t get the girl? Harvey Dent was superior? Well duh, dipshit. Harvey had to be a better example for the city than Batman in order for Bruce to have any hope of giving up the bat mantle and ending up with the girl. Then when the girl and the hope of Harvey’s saving the soul of the city are taken away, it makes the story that much more powerful.

3. Who ever gave a damn about Commissioner Gordon? Well I did, actually. He’s a vital part of this story especially considering that the Joker is so good at what he does, it does take all three heroes to capture him and even then it’s not enough.

4. Well, kinda agree here actually. Two-Face was kinda rushed. Of course if he’d been allowed to have more time to explore his story the film would have been longer and you’d have bitched further. As for the idea of keeping Two-Face’s story for the next film, well, maybe.

5. Batman ended up nowhere? He’s being hunted by his friend, another friend and his former love interest are both dead and it’s likely that Gotham City as a whole hates him. That’s a pretty big jump from a heroic figure.

OVER ALL: My condolences to the dead but I really can’t see how a sequel could be made from this? What the fuck does this mean? Is it referring to Heath Ledger’s death? What does that have to do with whether or not a sequel will be made? Make sense man!
You’re complaining that first fight scene was in a car park and you dislike the fact that it’s a more realistic approach? I suppose you’d prefer a fight in the sewers with hench-penguins and a giant rubber ducky. (Disclaimer: I like Batman Returns but come on…)

So there you have it. Fun times. See ya next time.

Amazon.co.uk Fucktard Theater

Just a quick one today. Hope you all had a merry Christmas, happy Hanukah, bodacious Bodhi Day, stupendous Solstice, funky Festivus and a festive Festival of the birth of the Unconquered Sun and a happy new year to you all.

If there's one thing this festive time of year has taught me, it's that people are idiots. Well, I say taught me but I kinda knew that already, so let's just say it reinforced that opinion. Why? Well, I did most of my Christmas shopping online and, whilst just surfing around, I decided to see how people had reviewed certain films that are considered shit. Uber-shit.

So without further ado, I present to you:

Amazon.co.uk Fucktard Theatre!

Let’s begin by casting our mind back a few years to a piece of cinematic smegma known as Epic movie.
After awarding the film five stars, Andrew Walker writes:

“its a great film just like the airplane films but with films its great how thay put all the films together and captain jack is great with the spoof on dead mans chest great film good fun”

What can we learn from this review? Well it’s clear that Andy is an unconventional guy who doesn’t play by the rules of grammar. He lives on the edge, loving fast and dying young. Either that or he’s a fourteen year old who never learnt how to write at school. A quick glance at his profile page shows us that he has reviewed six items. Five of these receive five stars. Two of these are The Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (Standard and special edition). Another is the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD game. The third is the aforementioned Epic movie and the last is a book about how to play monopoly. Dunno where that one came from. None of these have reviews have any punctuation so at least the fucktard is consistent in his unprofessionalism. Oh and the last item was a different Pirate-based DVD game, to which he gave three stars.

Ok, lets move on to my personal favourite film of all time, Batman and Robin…. Sorry, shouldn’t even joke about that…. Caused my spleen to rupture. Anyway, the film has an average of two stars, which is one star too high if you ask me (and that’s only because you can’t give no stars on amazon). Still, two people had the balls to give this film five stars. Let’s see what they had to say.

“This film has a fantastic story line, which is never tiresome.” Claims A Customer (Didn’t even have the balls to use a username.) “The clarity on DVD is trully amazing, and the colours and music very stimulating. A dramatic film, which is sometimes too scarry in parts, for smaller children, but my 5 year old son Grant loves it.”

Well, this person is clearly a parent of some kind and I suggest that the authorities rescue poor Grant immediately. Seriously, this film has a fantastic storyline? What fucking planet is this fucking moron fucking from? Fuck! This person also seems to believe that when you add a y to the end of a word you must immediately double up on the letters in front of it. Trully? Scarry? Fucking idiot.

Next up we have Reviewer telling us Anal-Retentive people that we should all lighten up. Keep in mind that this review was written in February 2008. It’s very important when you get to the end.

“I really quite enjoyed this movie. Its completely over-the-top bravado impressed me. Be warned though, if you take Batman seriously then you shouldn't watch. But for the majority of us, the non-anally retentive people, then this movie is a lot of fun and well worth a rental.

The villains were very cool in this one, and we had FOUR!! Arnie got better as the film went on. He was a real hoot. Uma was totally over-the-top and crazy as Poison Ivy. She was funny and extremely hot! There was also Bane as Ivy's sidekick who was funny whenever he appeared even though (and probably because) nothing he said ever made any sense! Then there was Bane's creator, Dr Woodrue played by John Glover with probably the best performance of the film. I wish he could have been in more of it.

The heroes weren't so flash though. Alicia Silverstone was spunky as Batgirl but the title characters, Batman and Robin as played by Clooney and O'Donnell were pretty lame. Batman was made to say too many corny one-liners. This should have been left to the villains, it suits them. It definitely didn't suit Batman. Robin was just flat out annoying. Michael Gough as Alfred actually gives quite a good dramatic performance in amongst all the campiness, I'm not sure why he bothered.

The SFX were great. The weren't at all realistic which was the way it was intended to be you fools! The whole film is dazzling on the eyes, whether it be the sets or the aray of good looking actors and actresses. Too put together a film of this large of a scale is quite an achievement. Anyone who says that Schumacher isn't a good director, doesn't know anything about directing films.

This is definitely one of the best no-brainer films of recent years. To all you people who are pining for the miserable Burton Batmans, get stuffed. Burton made his two movies, if you like them so much, then go and watch THEM. Schumacher has now made his two films to appeal to a different audience. Now it's probably time to see what someone else will do with the franschise. I can't wait."

Ok, so where to begin with this fucking idiot? There’s his opinion that Michael Gough shouldn’t even have bothered acting during this film which is an interesting take on cinema I guess. The fact that since he’s waiting to see what someone else will do with the franchise he’s never heard of Batman Begins or the (at the time) upcoming The Dark Knight. Or maybe it’s the fact that he clearly prefers Schumacher’s entries into the series than Burton’s. Now, Burton’s films aren’t exactly great versions of the Batman story but they are good films whereas Schumacher has nothing going for him. I guess they could be good adaptations of the 60s TV Show but that’s about it.

What really get’s me about this though, is he paragraph about the villains. Arnie got better and better? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think each ice pun was better than the last? Uma Thurman was hot? Well, maybe it’s not fair to judge his own personal opinion of women but I only ever thought she was fuckable in Pulp Fiction. And as for Bane. One, I’m fairly sure Bane didn’t speak at all in the film so I’m not sure where he got this idea of Bane’s hilarious nonsensical dialogue from. Secondly, Bane isn’t supposed to be funny. He’s meant to be smart AND strong. He broke Batman’s back for fucks sake! And as for even mentioning John Glover as a villain… Really? He’s just a plot device, intended to move the story from here to here. Fucking idiot.

Well, that was fun. Feel like doing it again sometime.

The True Meaning of Christmas

With the rampant comercialisation of this festive time of year, it's often easy to forget just what Christmas is really all about. Why is Christmas is a question you will often hear gramatically challenged people in the street cry out in desperation as they waste money of the latet 'Jerk Me Off Elmo' or the 'Curse Like A Fucking Dockworker Furby'. Here then is the answer to that question... Well I guess technically it's more about the meaning of Eastr perhaps but still, it's a video I made some time ago and I'd like to share it once more a this jolly time of year.

The Cinepub First Annual Obligatory Xmas Season Top 10 Christmas Films That I Enjoy To Like!

Well, it’s that time of year again. People are roasting their nuts on open fires, toy companies a greedily stroking their chins in manners befitting their evil geniusnous and children are pissing themselves in the laps of creepy strangers wearing false beards. Merry Christmas!

It seems as though this is a blog about films and as such I am pretty much required by law to do a list containing my favourite Christmas movies of all time. I managed to resist doing a list of scary films at Halloween but I’m afraid I just can’t fight the mainstream on this. I fear that if I do, my blogging licence will be revoked and I’ll be forced to go back to not making money doing other things and I can’t have that.

So let’s begin shall we?

10) Santa Claus: The Movie

Since my first Christmas I’m fairly sure I’ve seen this Saint Nick biopic every damn year. (Though that’s impossible as it was released a year after my first Christmas but I digress) The film begins with Santa Claus gaining magical powers for he is the chosen one. The film ends up with Dudley Moore playing an elf teaming up with John Lithgow playing an evil business tycoon for some reason. Awesome!

9) Ernest Saves Christmas

Ernest P. Worrell featured quite heavily in my early life for some reason. In particular I remember two films, Ernest Scared Stupid and Ernest Saves Christmas. Since I can’t put Ernest Scared Stupid on this list I’m gonna have to put Ernest Saves Christmas on this list. The film tells the story of Ernest’s mission to find a replacement for Santa who’s getting close to retirement. In no way is it a fantastic film but it ain’t The Santa Clause and that counts for something.

8) Home Alone

Another one from my childhood. For some reason I may have seen this film more than any other film that has ever or will ever exist. It just always happens to be on for some reason. Either my brothers watching it, my cousins watching it or someone else is watching it and, having nothing better to do, I end up watching it too. You know the plot. Hell, you’ve probably seen it a thousand times too.

7) The Muppet Christmas Carol

A telling of the Charles Dickens’ story starring the loveable cast of the Muppets and the loveable aged cockney, Michael Caine. Particular pieces of awesome: Statler and Waldorf as the ghosts of Marley and Marley, Kermit and Piggy as Mr and Mrs Cratchit and an awesome Ghost of Christmas Future. As long as Future looks enough like Death in a Christmas Carol movie then I’m sold.

6) How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Yes, the animated TV special, not the one with Jim Carrey. Sprung forth from the surrealistic mind of Dr. Seuss and narrated by Boris Fucking Karloff. It’s the classic tale of a hairy green freak who wants to stop Whoville from enjoying Christmas only to have is heart grow three times that day. Man, I’m hungry for roast beast.

5) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

It’s Christmas time at the Griswold’s and every body is coming to stay! Nothing goes smoothly, every little event working it’s way tirelessly and relentlessly to ruin Clark’s dream of a perfect Christmas. Every second of this film have things going from bad, to worse to uber-bad and it’s all very, very funny.

4) Scrooged

Another retelling of Dickens’ story, this time starring William Murray. This film modernizes the story as bastard television producer Francis attempts to make his own live version of the story only to have the events within it happen to him. As I said before as long as they have a good Ghost of Christmas Future I’m sold and in this film motherfucker is the Grim Reaper with a TV for a face. Awesome.

3) Lethal Weapon

It’s the greatest buddy cop movie ever made and also a damn good Christmas film. Ok so maybe it’s technically not a Christmas film but it’s set at Christmas time so it counts. Riggs is a cop with nothing to lose and Murtaugh is just getting’ too old for this shit. The film culminates with Riggs spending Christmas at the Murtaugh household so it definetly counts.

2) Die Hard

This is possibly the greatest action movie ever made and it’s a shame what the franchise has become but thankfully the knowledge that Die Hard 4.0 exists cannot take away from the awesome that is this film. I still feel tense watching certain parts of it, no matter how many times I watch it. This one also feels a lot more Christmassy than Lethal Weapon so it gets extra points for that.

1) Gremlins

Ah, what can I say about Gremlins that hasn’t already been said? Did you ever get a dog for Christmas? Then the dog got wet and more dogs sprouted out of his back? And then when the new dogs ate after midnight they turned into ravenous reptillian wolves? That’s kinda like this film but with mogwai and gremlins instead of dogs and wolves. There’s plenty of fun here as the titular characters just generally cause mayhem on Christmas night. They dress up as carolers, attack Santa Claus and kill an old woman! Ho, Ho, Ho Merry Christmas!

Cool As Ice Solo Video Review: Part 1

In 1991 a film was made, a film so awesomely god awful that tackling it could not be done in ten minutes alone. I reckon I'm looking at a three parter here at least. Help.

I present "Cool As Ice: A Review"

Something I Finally Saw: Hancock

Imagine a superhero movie within which the hero is an alcoholic cock who is hated by the masses. This is the basic premise of Hancock, a film which I finally got around to seeing. This concept is fairly original to films, not so much to comic books, and it is nice to see a superhero without any prior knowledge of his origin or back-story whatsoever.

Will Smith (of Fresh Prince fame) plays John Hancock, a homeless superhero who reluctantly saves a city that hates him with no real regard for the city itself. He flies whilst drunker than an aging prostitute trying to forget her existence and lands in a way which fucks the street up to shit. He throws cars around, smashing buildings and street signs and just generally does more harm than good. The city tries to prosecute him but how do you stop someone who can’t be stopped? You can’t. See, the answer was in the question. It’s whilst fucking up another rescue, resulting in a few trashed cars and one major fucked up train that Hancock saves Ray, a PR dude played by Jason Bateman, who sees an opportunity to turn Hancock’s public perception around and make him the hero that Ray knows he can be.

Under Ray’s advice, Hancock hands himself over to the police willingly and stays in prison in an effort to get himself off of the booze and let the people of Los Angeles see just how god-awful the city would be without him. The plan works and the chief of police calls Hancock for help when a small group of bandits take hostages and try to rob a bank. Hancock shows up and saves the day. Hooray! The end. Except it isn’t. There then comes a twist which brings the movie to a darker, grittier conclusion than the tone of the rest of the movie seems to imply. I imagine if the film had come out after “The Dark Knight” this theme would have been pervasive right the way through the film.

Now, a lot has been written about the films sudden tonal shift within the last third, mostly about how people didn’t really like it. They felt it didn’t particularly fit in with the rest of the film and to some extent I agree. It didn’t really fit in with the humorous nature of the rest of the film. This didn’t, however, affect my enjoyment of the film. I actually felt that it kind of improved it a little, making it something more than the superhero comedy it would have otherwise been. Need I remind you of My Super Ex-Girlfriend? I know some people liked it but fuck I thought that was shit. Honestly, Hancock was always gonna be better than that so the comparison isn’t particularly apt but I’m writing this not you so fuck off.

Another thing that I really loved about this movie is that Hancock’s origin is never really explained. Whilst they are necessary for the uninitiated, I am pretty fucking sick of fucking origin movies. The worst thing about Iron Man was that most of the damn film was him building different upgraded version of the suit. Well, that and the final battle was pretty lame. Anyway in Hancock, his origin is hinted at, implied but never explained outright. Awesome. The only potential problem is that a sequel has pretty much been confirmed and, now that Hancock has cleaned up his act, the only direction I can see them going in is him trying to discover his mysterious past! Ominous!

The first part of the film is honestly pretty damn funny. Hancock flying through the sky, bottle of whisky in hand with no disregard for public property is a fun sight to be sure and the interactions between Hancock, Ray, his wife (played by Charlize Theron) and Ray’s son are pretty great, especially the scene where Hancock is invited to their spaghetti madness dinner. Charlize Theron in particular is very good at showing her dislike for the drunken hero with the slightest of looks.

For me though, it really is the last part of the film which brings it all together, even though I know others will disagree. There are some heart-warming scenes between Hancock and the son and Will Smith does a great job of portraying a character who is clearly depressed because he’s the only one of his kind, compounded by the fact that he doesn’t know where the hell he came from.

There are some flaws, of course. There is a scene we’ve become all to familiar with in superhero movies wherein the hero takes on a character of equal or slightly heightened power to themselves but it doesn’t really go in the standard direction so it’s forgivable. Also a certain character’s (saying who would give to much away) unwillingness to help Hancock try and understand his past seems really strange considering they want him to leave them alone and he won’t until they try and help him. Confusing!

Overall though, Hancock is a pretty good film and definitely a nice addition to the current crop of recent superhero flicks.