Mad Max: Children Of The Apocalypse Trailer

Max faces his toughest challenge yet in Children Of The Apocalypse (aka what happens when I stay in on a Friday night instead of going out drinking.)

The Passion Of The Christ Review

Ok, so my special late Easter review, The Passion Of The Christ! Um, if you're a Christian, you might be a bit offended. Sorry. (These to videos will be replaced by one once it's finished processing.)

Top Ten Podcasts

Well, I decided it’s time for something a bit different today. I just can’t be bothered to watch a movie today, especially considering Battlestar Galactica Season 1 just came through the door. Awesome. So, while I work my way through that I’ve decided to do something which ties into movies tangentially, because most of them are about movies. Yes, podcasts have revolutionised the way I, at least, entertain myself. It’s because of them, perhaps, that I need to be entertained at all times. If nothing’s happening my brain feels like it’s starting to fade until I can find something to occupy myself with.

So here is a list of my ten favourite podcasts. If you have iTunes, and honestly who doesn’t these days, I order you to download them immediately.

10. Remember When

Hosted by Parris and Jay, Remember When is an erratically updated pod cast taking a look back at the entertainment of yesteryear. It’s a fun listen with segments like “Great Movies Jay Has Never Seen,” in which Parris has Jay watch a classic film he’s never seen before and then review it for the next weeks show. Generally it turns that Jay, much to Parris’s dismay doesn’t enjoy the film. It’s all good stuff. Especially worthy of note is their six episode specials regarding the Star Wars series.

9. The 10th Wonder Heroes Podcast

Ah, Heroes. It’s one of my favourite TV shows and so it’s only natural that a pod cast dedicated to it should appear on this list. Hosted by Graham Hancock and Derek Russell, the show is about everything Heroes and Heroes-related. There are generally two shows a week, one being a live recording directly after the show has played in the US, in which the pair give their reactions to the episode they have just watched and another later in the week which deals with all the news, spoilers and other such things that surround any major TV series. Don’t worry though, the spoilers happen at the end of the show and so can easily be ignored if you don’t want the show ruined for you.

8. Hometown Tales

I may be a sceptic but I still like hearing tales of the supernatural and Hometown Tales delivers that in a refreshingly level-headed manner. And what’s more is that the supernatural isn’t their main focus, they’re more concerned with tales of local legends, hence the name, and that can deal with anything from a local haunted house to a famous local sandwich. Brian and Gene cover it all in a straight forward yet often humorous way. In fact, this podcast is probably the first one I listened to and it’ll probably be on my ipod for as long as they decide to make episodes.

7. Filmspotting

Filmspotting, hosted by Adam Kempenaar and Matty Robinson, is a more cerebral approach to film than Cinepub can offer and it really is a quality film pod cast. There are usually at least a couple of reviews per episode and a Top 5 list, because, hey, if there’s one thing we geeks love it’s a list. I’ve never understood what mystical power a list holds over us but I certainly love them. Anyway, they also have other features such as marathons which is a multi-episode topic during which the hosts watch various films with a common theme and then review them. It’s really good for finding out about older films you’ve never heard of as well as some smaller indie films which might not get much press.

6.The Skeptics Guide To The Universe

Another stalwart of my ipod for as long as I can remember, the SGU promises to be your escape to reality and it delivers. It takes a scientifically sound yet also often humorous look at the ridiculous claims that people make throughout the week and reports and comments on them. The show, hosted by Steve Novella, Bob Novella, Jay Novella, Evan Bernstein and Rebecca Watson (And formerly by Perry DeAngelis until his tragic death in 2007), often has interviews with a variety of different sceptical personalities such as James Randi or Mythbusters’ own Adam Savage. The show also has a number of regular features such as ‘Science or Fiction’ in which Steve challenges the Skeptical rogues to guess which two news stories are true and which is fictional as well as the newest feature ‘Who’s That Noisy?’ In which the rogues challenge the listeners to guess who or what made the specially selected sound.

5. (Cool) Shite On The Tube

Cool Shite is awesome for a number of reasons. One is the sheer scope of their geekery. They review films, cartoon, television series and, more recently, sound tracks whilst also delivering at least one show a week dedicated to news and listener mail. The review shows generally focus on one topic which is discussed throughout the episode, though tangents are frequent, particularly at the opening of the show. At the end of the review, the subject is given a rating ranging from Shite minus all the way to Cool plus with Meh in the middle to denote something so unrelentingly bland that you can’t even say you hated it. Also they’re Australian and that’s fun. Good times.

4. Film Junk

Film Junk is hosted by Sean Dwyer, Jay Cheel and Greg Gaspari with occasional appearances from the Pilkington-esque Reed Farrington and is separated into many different segments normally beginning with a run down of the weeks news, followed by one or two reviews of current features and finishing with trailer trash, a look at recently released trailers. The whole show is hilarious and yet they still manage to keep on track most of the time and each episode is packed with a wealth of information. Also they’re Canadian and that’s fun. Good times.

3. Simply Syndicated

Simply Syndicated is a pod cast network with a myriad of shows such as The Definitive Word, …Or Do You Think That’s Just Bollocks and the flagship Movies You Should See. Simply Hear is all of their shows on one feed. I recommend it heartily as practically every show is worth a listen, even Make It So, the Star Trek show. Now, I’m not a major fan of Star Trek, only really liking the original series and some Next Generation, even when talking about later series Make It So is fun. Movies You Should See has really opened my eyes to some movies I otherwise wouldn’t heard of, including one of my personal favourites, Save The Green Planet. There are many hosts, as there are many shows but the one constant through most of them is Rich Smith, the Godfather of the Simply Syndicated universe and he is awesome. I salute him.

2. Smodcast

From the people that brought you Jay and Silent Bob and Zack and Miri comes Smodcast, a show hosted by Kevin Smith and (usually) Scott Mosier. There is no real fixed topic here, they generally just shoot the shit. Occasionally they’ll talk about the movie business but they’re just as likely to be talking about fisting dolphins and the still living decapitated heads of dogs. It’s all good fun and on occasion listening to it has caused me to burst out into laughter in public places. You have been warned.

1. The Bugle

The Bugles is the audio newspaper for a visual world hosted by Andy Zaltzman in London and John Oliver in New York. They cover the weeks news stories that most affect our great nations with tongues firmly in cheeks. Their own cheeks, not each others. I assume. There have been a number of features throughout the show’s history, most of which have since been discontinued, such as the Audio Cryptic Crossword during for which Andy would give one clue a week and, upon it’s completion John was heard to remark “I see the glorious history of the ‘Audio Cryptic Crossword’ as I see the glorious history of the Third Reich—a terrible idea that was rammed down peoples throats for far too long.”
There was also ‘Hotties From History’ during which listeners would send in suggestions for long dead people for inclusion in a pin up calendar including such suggestions as Joanna The Mad and the Toba eruption. When the feature finally came to an end, Andy and John began receiving (humorous) death threats. Ah, what fun. Seriously it’s a good show. Download it.

Well, that’s it for now. Hope you enjoyed that and maybe I helped you find something new to while away the pointless, pointless minutes, days and years leading up to the sweet release of death. Come back tomorrow for something hopefully a little more movie related. Laterz.

Audio Review: Watchmen

Yes, just me reading out my review that I wrote for the Watchmen. Was just gonna leave this on YouTube but fuck it, might as well post it here as well.

Review: Watchmen

Read a review once: Man goes to movie. Movie is Batman and Robin. Makes him depressed. Makes life seem harsh and cruel. Makes him feel alone in neon world where what lies ahead is bat-nipples and ice puns. Reviewer said “Treatment is simple. Great film Watchmen is in town tonight. Go and see it. That should pick you up.” Man looks confused. Says “But, reviewer… Who watches the Watchmen?” Bad joke. Everybody boo. Throw fruit on stage. Curtains.

I went into this film ready to hate it. I went there ready to be pissed off that there was no squid, pissed off that it wasn’t exactly like the graphic novel. So did I hate it? Was I pissed off? Well, the answer is no. In fact, I really, really enjoyed it. Is it as good as the graphic novel? Of course not. You’re talking about adapting something that could be around 6 hours long and making it palatable for an average movie going audience. I mean seriously, what film is better than the book that proceeded it? Jaws? Well, yeah, OK Jaws. But still most of the time the books are always better than the films, so why is it that the Watchmen film is getting such harsh treatment from film critics and embittered fan-boys alike? As far as adaptations go, this is one of the more faithful ones I’ve ever seen. Hell, Jaws was less faithful to it’s source material and did people complain about that? No, because Jaws can do no wrong! Hmmm, seem to keep getting sidetracked here.

My point is you have to learn to separate the artistic formats. One is a film, destined for mass production and produced by a mass of people. The other is a comic, also made for mass production but there’s a smaller number of people involved in it’s creation, in this case just four, writer Alan Moore, artist Dave Gibbons, colourist John Higgins and editor Len Wein, though it could be argued that when it comes down to it this is really Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons baby. Anyway back to my point, a comic book can afford to be long. It can afford to explore certain things that a movie cannot because there’s no real restriction for how long it can last and, especially in the case of the Watchmen, there’s a much smaller creative team in charge of everything. A contained creative environment like this in which only a few people have to keep track of exactly what is going on can branch out into ways that a large production like a movie, with any changes having to be run by everyone, simply can’t afford to. Sacrifices have to be made. And in this case the sacrifices which didn’t seem to hurt the film at all. Sure, some people will say “Well then, if it couldn’t have been perfect the film shouldn’t have been made at all!” And you know what, person who says that, you’re a dick. The film has been made and you’re going to let your dogged loyalty to an item which is in no way effected by this movies existence blind you to the fact that it’s an entertaining film? Well, bully for you.

Now, is this film for everyone? Probably not. For the action seeker, there are some scenes of hyper-violent brawls but for the most part it’s a murder mystery that centres around the heroes thoughts and feelings rather than their ability to kick ass. I will say this though, I felt that the fighting scenes are among the weaker things in this film. The martial arts employed do look good and certainly wouldn’t be out of place in something like the Dark Knight but in a film about superheroes who are retired, for the most part, it just doesn’t seem right, especially from Night Owl II and The Comedian. It also seemed to me that it could give the impression that these people have super strength. It’d be understandable that they could be stronger than your average person but some of the stunts they pull here are perhaps just a bit too much.

So what about the characters? Are they well represented here? Well for the most part, I thought that the actors did a pretty good job. I’ve heard some complaints about Malin Akerman as Silk Spectre II but I can’t really comment without seeing the film again. I guess that means her performance just kinda breezed by me which, I suppose, says something. Someone whose performance didn’t just breeze by me, however, was that of Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the Comedian. He manages the difficult task of bringing a despicable character who you just can’t quite hate to the screen. When it comes to stealing the show, however, it’s Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach who really shines. He was my favourite character in the book and I’m glad that Haley really seemed to get him down. Even his voice was pretty much how I had heard Rorschach’s voice in my head when reading it. The fact that he was the only actor who’d read it before being cast probably really helped.

Perhaps the biggest challenge in terms of main characters was Dr. Manhattan, played by Billy Crudup. Not only do you have to create a glowing, blue god in image but you also have to give the impression that the character can see the past, present and future all at once and you have to convey the impression that he’s losing his touch with humanity. Overall, I don’t think I can fault Crudup’s performance. I think he managed to give Manhattan just the right amount of detachment without severing the link fully with his human past as was required. If I had to complain about anything with Dr. Manhattan, it’d be the effects used to bring him to life. There are times when the character touches another person, such as when shaking hands, that something about it just seems a little off, a little shaky. The same can be said when Manhattan is talking. There’s just something about the movement of his lips which just took me out of the movie a little. Then there is the issue of the good Doctor’s cock. Yes, I couldn’t go the whole review without mentioning it, so let’s just get it over with. The fact that Manhattan walks around so… freely, as it were, is just another way of showing his further detachment from human societal norms. However, I did feel that it was a little over used and sometimes just a little too lovingly animated. I didn’t really have a major problem with it but once more, it’s just something that can take you out of the movie a little.

Another thing which seems to have divided people about Watchmen is the choice of music. Now, I loved it, but then again I seemed to love every damn song that’s in that movie, even ‘99 Luftballons’, so I may be just a little biased. Still whatever you feel about the music in this film, you must admit that the opening with Dylan’s ‘The Times They Are A-Changin’ and the funeral scene with Simon & Garfunkel’s ‘The Sounds of Silence’ are awesome.

So that’s it for now. Hope to maybe do a group review of this in the pub at some point where we’ll go over a few more of the topics raised in criticism and praise of this film in a little more detail with a lot more booze. Until then, I’ll leave you with this: This movie could have been made by Fox. Have you seen the pictures of Deadpool from that Wolverine movie? Have you? What the fuck Fox?!? What the fuck have you done to my precious Merc With a Mouth?!? I curse and renounce you Fox and everything you stand for! Fuck you Fox! Fuck You! Ahem. Sorry about that. Laterz.

The Vampire Double Feature: Let The Right One In and Twilight

Ah, Vampires. I’ve always liked the undead, blood-sucking little bastards. Wow, Microsoft Word doesn’t recognise the word undead. That’s unexpected. Anyway, blood drinking monsters have existed for as long as civilisation but the suave, pale seducer that we know as the vampire today has only really been around since the 19th Century and is most famously portrayed in Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula.
In this day and age, Vampires are not just some of the most popular movie monsters but also some of the silver screens most popular sympathetic characters. They symbolise the gift and curse of immortality, the inherent loneliness of living forever, the harsh truth behind the fantasy. They also represent a dark side to our sexuality, a very real, forbidden predatory nature with the act of penetration replaced with the biting of the neck and the drinking of the blood.
So with that in mind, let’s get into today’s two reviews, the 2008 Swedish language film, Let The Right One In and another 2008 film, this one in English, Twilight. Let’s begin with Let The Right One In.

Directed by Tomas Alfredson and based on the 2004 novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist of the same name, Let The Right One In, tells the tale of a 12 year old Swedish boy and his blossoming friendship with a 200 year old vampire.
Set in the 1980’s, Oskar is a young troubled boy, bullied at school, who spends his free time alone stabbing trees. It’s whilst doing this that he first meets Eli, someone who has recently moved into the area with a man who is apparently her father. She only comes out during the night and has an odd choice of clothing for the freezing cold weather.
Over time their friendship grows, cemented in the fact that they are both outsiders with no friends but each other. They begin communicating with each other by banging on the wall between their rooms when they can’t be outside together. Their relationship eventually reaches a point where Oskar decides to cement their relationship by cutting their palms and mixing their blood. At this point Eli cannot help herself and so her secret is revealed to Oskar.
This is about all I’m willing to reveal about the plot. I honestly cannot express how much you owe it to yourself to see this film. It manages to tell a sweet, romantic story between the mortal and the immortal, whilst balancing it perfectly with the acts of horrific gore that Eli must perpetrate in order to survive. It also touches on some of those familiar vampire themes mentioned earlier, particularly the loneliness of the immortal soul but it also manages to place equal emphasis on the loneliness of the mortal in this relationship as well.



And so to the second film in this double feature, Twilight, another vampire film based on a novel, this time the wildly popular 2005 first novel in the series of the same name and tells the tale of a seventeen year old American girl and her blossoming romance with a 108 year old vampire.
The story begins with Bella Swan moving from Arizona to Washington to live with her father since her mother and step-father are going on a bit of a road trip. At school she makes a few new friends and becomes interested in an apparently young man by the name of Edward Cullen. It seems at first that Edward is repulsed by Bella but a few days later he saves her life when she’s nearly hit by a van, apparently making use of super speed and super strength. A few days later Bella figures out Edwards secret.
In the sake of fairness I’m going to leave any revelations about the plot there, though this certainly isn’t a film you need to see in the same way as Let The Right One In. I was however surprised by it. I wanted so much to hate this film. It seems, though I consider my self politically liberal, when it comes to movie monsters I’m deeply, deeply conservative. I want my zombies slow and numerous, my werewolves to be vicious, instinct based killers and my vampires to be fanged and to worry a little more than sun burn if they go out in the daytime. And for the first part I did hate this movie. I felt cheated that after 45 minutes I’d seen more compost than blood and more dress shopping scenes than on screen kills. In fact most of the first half of the film seemed to be made up of awkward, furtive glances across a school cafeteria but in the second half of the film things pick up a little with an awesome special effects-laden baseball game and finally a little bit of violence.
Once more the main theme of this film is loneliness and accepting the fact that the immortal can find companionship in a human, but it also explores the relationship between the predatory nature of the vampires and how they regard humans, their prey, which I thought was a nice touch.
Overall I have to say I did enjoy Twilight. I’d definitely recommend it for a rental when it comes out on DVD and depending on the special features, I might even consider adding it to my collection. I mean, hell, I own The Super Mario Bros. movie on DVD and I don’t enjoy that at all.

Friday The 13th Month: Part 2

My video about the second film in the Friday the 13th series.

Friday The 13th Month: Part 1

My video about the first Friday the 13th film. Yeah it's a little shitty but my laptop kept fucking up, it was half 4 in the morning and I just wanted to get it done.

The Cinepub First Annual Obligatory Xmas Season Top 10 Christmas Films That I Enjoy To Like!

Well, it’s that time of year again. People are roasting their nuts on open fires, toy companies a greedily stroking their chins in manners befitting their evil geniusnous and children are pissing themselves in the laps of creepy strangers wearing false beards. Merry Christmas!

It seems as though this is a blog about films and as such I am pretty much required by law to do a list containing my favourite Christmas movies of all time. I managed to resist doing a list of scary films at Halloween but I’m afraid I just can’t fight the mainstream on this. I fear that if I do, my blogging licence will be revoked and I’ll be forced to go back to not making money doing other things and I can’t have that.

So let’s begin shall we?

10) Santa Claus: The Movie

Since my first Christmas I’m fairly sure I’ve seen this Saint Nick biopic every damn year. (Though that’s impossible as it was released a year after my first Christmas but I digress) The film begins with Santa Claus gaining magical powers for he is the chosen one. The film ends up with Dudley Moore playing an elf teaming up with John Lithgow playing an evil business tycoon for some reason. Awesome!

9) Ernest Saves Christmas

Ernest P. Worrell featured quite heavily in my early life for some reason. In particular I remember two films, Ernest Scared Stupid and Ernest Saves Christmas. Since I can’t put Ernest Scared Stupid on this list I’m gonna have to put Ernest Saves Christmas on this list. The film tells the story of Ernest’s mission to find a replacement for Santa who’s getting close to retirement. In no way is it a fantastic film but it ain’t The Santa Clause and that counts for something.

8) Home Alone

Another one from my childhood. For some reason I may have seen this film more than any other film that has ever or will ever exist. It just always happens to be on for some reason. Either my brothers watching it, my cousins watching it or someone else is watching it and, having nothing better to do, I end up watching it too. You know the plot. Hell, you’ve probably seen it a thousand times too.

7) The Muppet Christmas Carol

A telling of the Charles Dickens’ story starring the loveable cast of the Muppets and the loveable aged cockney, Michael Caine. Particular pieces of awesome: Statler and Waldorf as the ghosts of Marley and Marley, Kermit and Piggy as Mr and Mrs Cratchit and an awesome Ghost of Christmas Future. As long as Future looks enough like Death in a Christmas Carol movie then I’m sold.

6) How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Yes, the animated TV special, not the one with Jim Carrey. Sprung forth from the surrealistic mind of Dr. Seuss and narrated by Boris Fucking Karloff. It’s the classic tale of a hairy green freak who wants to stop Whoville from enjoying Christmas only to have is heart grow three times that day. Man, I’m hungry for roast beast.

5) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

It’s Christmas time at the Griswold’s and every body is coming to stay! Nothing goes smoothly, every little event working it’s way tirelessly and relentlessly to ruin Clark’s dream of a perfect Christmas. Every second of this film have things going from bad, to worse to uber-bad and it’s all very, very funny.

4) Scrooged

Another retelling of Dickens’ story, this time starring William Murray. This film modernizes the story as bastard television producer Francis attempts to make his own live version of the story only to have the events within it happen to him. As I said before as long as they have a good Ghost of Christmas Future I’m sold and in this film motherfucker is the Grim Reaper with a TV for a face. Awesome.

3) Lethal Weapon

It’s the greatest buddy cop movie ever made and also a damn good Christmas film. Ok so maybe it’s technically not a Christmas film but it’s set at Christmas time so it counts. Riggs is a cop with nothing to lose and Murtaugh is just getting’ too old for this shit. The film culminates with Riggs spending Christmas at the Murtaugh household so it definetly counts.

2) Die Hard

This is possibly the greatest action movie ever made and it’s a shame what the franchise has become but thankfully the knowledge that Die Hard 4.0 exists cannot take away from the awesome that is this film. I still feel tense watching certain parts of it, no matter how many times I watch it. This one also feels a lot more Christmassy than Lethal Weapon so it gets extra points for that.

1) Gremlins

Ah, what can I say about Gremlins that hasn’t already been said? Did you ever get a dog for Christmas? Then the dog got wet and more dogs sprouted out of his back? And then when the new dogs ate after midnight they turned into ravenous reptillian wolves? That’s kinda like this film but with mogwai and gremlins instead of dogs and wolves. There’s plenty of fun here as the titular characters just generally cause mayhem on Christmas night. They dress up as carolers, attack Santa Claus and kill an old woman! Ho, Ho, Ho Merry Christmas!

Great Scenes From Shit Films, Part 7: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

I love the Friday the 13th films to an almost psychotic degree but even I will admit that most of them are not good films. Fun films to be sure, but not good films. I’m not entirely sure exactly why I like them so much, there’s just something about the silent, plodding killer that I love so much. That and the sheer stupidity of the characters he kills. Perhaps my favourite example of this is in one of the earlier films. I’m not exactly sure which but I think it might be number two.

Whatever film it is doesn’t really matter, the scene is thus. Two characters are sitting downstairs playing a game, a boy and a girl. The boy is in a wheelchair. Take note of this because it’s very important. Any way, the two are flirting and generally having a good time when the girl decides to leave to change in a sexier pair of panties. While she’s away, Jason strikes killing the boy in the wheelchair. The girl returns and looks for the boy BY GOING UP THE FUCKING STAIRS! She leaves a boy in a wheelchair by himself and figures that he must be waiting UP THE FUCKING STAIRS for her. She is quickly despatched and frankly deserved it for her stupidity.

But we’re not here on Halloween to talk about whatever particular film in the series that was. We’re here to look at perhaps one of the worst films in the entire series, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, a film only really outshone in awful by part IX: Jason Goes To Hell. Christ, not even the messiah himself, Billy Dee Williams, could save that piece of shite. On to Jason taking Manhattan.



So part VIII begins, after a montage of the seedier side of New York, with Jason once more being resurrected and immediately sets about doing what he does best, despatching horny teens. Oh Jason, you loveable rogue! Is there a sexually adventurous teenager you won’t massacre? Anyway, it turns out ol’ Camp Crystal Lake is getting a little tired and played out for everyone’s favourite zombie serial killer. He wants to slay in the city that never sleeps! He hitches a ride on the cruise ship Lazarus bound for the Big Apple at… Crystal Lake harbour? I’m not entirely sure when Crystal Lake became connected to the sea but apparently it is. Hooray! Also aboard is Renee, a girl with a pen and a troubled past, and Sean, the ship captain’s son with a sexton and daddy issues. There are of course also your generic machete fodder. There’s 80’s rock chick JJ, film nerd Wayne who looks and sounds a bit like Matt Damon and Julius the boxer and two girls who do coke. There’s also high school teacher Charles who also happens to be Renee’s creepy uncle and Salty McSeadog (Actual character name may differ) who claims the ship is doomed.

So Renee has a few visions about drowning and the young Jason Voorhees, made worse when she falls overboard, Jason goes around ridding the world of a few pointless background characters and stereotypes and one of the cokeheads tries to seduce creepy uncle Charles whilst Wayne films in an effort to get out of handing in a biology paper. She is soon after taken out by Jason.

A storm hit’s the boat and Jason kills the ship’s captain and his first mate, making the journey that much more treacherous. Sean discovers his dad all dead and that and takes command through whining. It is now 40 minutes into the film and I’m guessing Jason killed the crew as he was pretty pissed off that it was taking them so long to get New York. He really wants to stray around the very heart of it. Salty McSeadog goes on about Jason Voorhees, claiming every one will die. He’s clearly a bottle o’ rum half-empty kinda guy. Anyway, Jason kills a few more folks including the other girl who does coke and Wayne. The rest of the gang decide to try and take Jason down, gathering as many weapons as they can. They fail and abandon ship, finally reaching New York and hour into the film with about half an hour left, Wow, Jason really has to tighten up his game if he wants to take Manhattan.

The survivors are captured by a New York street gang but are rescued when Jason shows up and begins killing the gang members. Has Jason finally changed his ways? Is he becoming the superhero we all knew he was deep down inside? No, he just loves killin’ folk. He’s been doing it for a while and sometimes hobbies are just impossible to give up.

Jason now hunts down Julius who decides to fight the big gut on top of a roof top in a scene which may or may not be at the end of this blog post. Ok, it will be. It’s great. Seriously. This one scene almost makes up for the rest of the movie for me. Julius’ determination, Jason standing there and taking it and it’s inevitable yet awesome conclusion make this film worth renting at least… though since I’m going to show you the scene, I wouldn’t bother. Nothing else is really worth seeing.
So from down here it’s all down hill. There’s a flashback in which Charles explains Jason drowned because he never learned to swim and that he’s still down there, ready to drag people down if they can’t swim. He then chucks her in the lake and tries to force her to learn, explaining her uninteresting back story of being afraid of water. Sean and Renee run off, leaving Charles to Jason’s capable hands. Jason drowns Charles, which I guess is supposed to be irony or karma or something.

Renee and Sean run to the subway, Jason chasing them and apparently not being that big of a shock to New Yorkers. Guess they have seen a lot what with giant gorilla attacks, alien invasions and all manner of things that’d make someone from a smaller town at least raise an eyebrow. Jason gets shocked on the subway track and our two, sigh, heroes are safe to explore New York. Except this is a Friday the 13th film and there are still 15 minutes left! Jason is still alive! I for one am surprised.

He chases them across what I think is Times Square where he freaks out some punk kids by lifting his mask. I for one am annoyed with Jason. Where’s the bloodshed, bro? Where’s the wanton slaughter? Has the franchise grown so tiresome that even you are bored of it all? No matter, Jason still has two more victims in his sights before he retires, moves to Florida and spends his last days playing Bingo.

They escape into the New York sewers, which makes perfect sense. If I had an unstoppable killing machine after me, I’d head into a dimly lit, underground maze. As they flee, they run into a sewage worker who explains that in ten minutes the sewers will be flooded with toxic waste, just like they are at every night at midnight… New Yorkers, is this true? If so, why? Is it to kill of all those alligators that live down there? Perhaps a mutant turtle eradication programme? If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, maybe you wouldn’t have such a high ratio of mutated animals living in your sewers if you didn’t flush them with radioactive goop every night.

Anyway, Jason shows up and kills the sewage worker and is about to kill Sean when Renee attracts his attention with a flashlight. Apparently, Jason has the same mental capacity as the T-Rex from Jurassic Park, even though earlier he was seen to be working out elaborate ways to kill his victims bringing his intelligence level at least up to that of the Velociraptors in Jurassic Park 3. Renee runs away with Jason following, leaving Sean unconscious in a tunnel that is about to be flooded with toxic waste in a matter of minutes. Plan. She stumbles across a toxic waste barrel and throws it in Jason’s face. Seriously New York, is toxic waste really that big of an issue in your fair city that, not only must you flood your sewers with it on a nightly basis but you must also leave barrels of it lying around in aforementioned sewers? What The Fuck?

The toxic waste causes Jason to remove his mask, revealing his visage. It’s kinda hard to describe, something kind of like a cross between one of those old Madball things and a Garbage Pail Kid. If you’re too young to understand those references I’m sure the fount of all knowledge, Wikipedia will answer your questions. In my day we had to use real encyclopaedias and I can guarantee you that they didn’t have entries about old 80s toy lines. Anyway, here is a picture of Jason sans mask for your viewing pleasure:



As you can see it's pretty fucking terrible. Seriously fucking awful. Just plain shit. But it doesn’t stop there.

Renee comes back for Sean, they climb a ladder and leave Jason below as the, sigh, toxic waste begins to flood the sewers. As it does, Jason speaks. Yes, Jason speaks but only that, he sounds like someone trying to do a child’s voice but poorly. And what does Jason, who has been so silent for so long have to say to the world? “Mommy, don’t let me drown… mommy.” Well… that’s just great. I know it makes sense in the context of the series but still… It just… It’s just wrong. Jason then get’s hit by the toxic waste and is reverted back to his childhood form. Which makes no fucking sense but by this time you’ve been pretty much battered into submission by the films unrelenting stupidity and you just kind of accept it. And so Sean and Renee are free at last to go and be boring together. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. You know what, fuck it. Let’s just show you the last scene, courtesy of CampVoorhes.com. Consider it a Halloween bonus.



See! See what I mean! It fucking sucks! And what’s worse is it looks like Jason the child has a normal head. What the fuck is that about? Fucking hell!

Ugh. There you have it. So what have we learnt? Well, I personally have learnt that New York has a severe toxic waste problem that they can surely find better ways of solving than simply flushing it down the sewers. I’ve learnt that throwing your niece into a lake after telling her it’s haunted by a dead child is not the best way to teach her to swim. I’ve also learnt that, since most of this movie takes place on a fucking boat, it was severely wrongly titled. It should have been called something like Friday the 13th VIII: Avast Jason! Or Friday the 13th VIII: All Hands On Death! Or some such thing.

Let’s at least end things with a high note. I present to you, my favourite Friday the 13th death of all time, Jason Vs. Julius. Enjoy.

Great Scenes from Shit Films, Part 3.

Jaws is one of my favourite films of all time. It is awesome. Unfortunately sequels were made. Terrible, terrible sequels. Ok, 2 wasn’t so bad but 3 and 4 are awful. Jaws 4, aka Jaws: The Revenge, is easily one of the worst films of all time.

Martin Brody is dead. Ellen Brody visits her son, Michael, is working as a marine biologist… I think. It seems like an odd choice of employment for someone whose family has such a constant problem with sharks. His younger brother Sean is a cop or at least he was as he’s despatched by a shark fairly early on in the film, the event which prompts Ellen to visit Michael. She believes that the shark purposefully attacked Sean because it seems that she’s gone bat-shit crazy.

Whilst in the Carribean she meets and becomes romantically involved with Michael Caine, a man who clearly needed cash desperately at this stage in his career. There is clearly no other explanation for his appearing in this film. At some point Ellen’s granddaughter goes on a banana boat which is attacked by a shark. The granddaughter survives but she’s traumatised by the experience. Perhaps she’ll become a marine biologist.

Ellen goes to find the shark, which she believes is the same one that ate Sean because she’s gone bat-shit crazy. Michael Cain flies Michael and his friend Mario Van Peebles out to find herwhen the shark attacks the plane but they manage to get on the boat. Mario Van Peebles uses a little box that makes the shark jump out of the water. The shark attacks Mario Van Peebles and drags him under the water. It then resumes jumping out of the water, becuase it’s clearly gone bat-shit crazy and believes itself to be a dolphin. Ellen rams the boat into the shark, causing it… to… explode....for some reason. Ellen believes the curse of the shark is lifted and everyone lives happily ever after, except for Sean. Mario Van Peebles, on the other hand, survives though badly mauled.

The film is shit, makes no sense and makes me physically sick. So which scene will it be? The inexplicable death of the shark, a death that for some reason causes the shark to explode. It is awesome. Not only does the shark just blow up for no reason but they even have the gall to include scenes from the first, infinitely superior film. Enjoy.

Great Scenes From Shit Films, Part 2.

In 1989 a strange creature was unleashed upon the world, a strange hybrid beast, not quite an advert, not quite a movie. It starred a young Christian Slater, a younger Fred Savage and that dude who’s in lots of things. You know the one I mean, whatshisname. Yeah, him. The “film” was called the Wizard and it’s best known for being the western world’s introduction to Super Mario Bros. 3, one of the best selling video games of all time.

I don’t think I need to tell you that it’s terrbile. Well, not terrible… fucking awful may be a better description. Filled with Nintendo games, Father/son bed sharing, the first appearance of a young Tobey Maguire and the odd paedophile joke thrown in for good measure, the film tells the unfollowable story of Jimmy, a little kid who is retarded in some way but is really good at Nintendo games like Rain Man if he was sponsored by a large Japanese electronics industry giant.

Something bad is going to happen to Jimmy for some reason and so his brother, Corey, breaks him out of the care home he lives in. Jimmy wants to go to California and to do that they need money so Corey decides to pit Jimmy against middle aged buisness men, who haunted the arcades back in the late 80s, for money. Jimmy wins, they get cash. They meet Haley, a street smart girl from a poor family and make their way across the USA.

Meanwhile Corey’s brother and father are trying to track them down as is Putnam, the villain/comic relief, a private investigator hired by Jimmy’s mother and step-father. God just writing this is making me angry. Blah Blah Blah, video game contest, blah blah blah, funky tie, blah blah Mario 3, blah blah blah Dinosaurs from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

The important scene in this film is one in which the characters meet up with LUCAS! LUCAS! is the Nintendo God of his quiet desert town. He owns all the NES cartridges, is awesome at all of them and he has a secret weapon. Something so awesome that to gaze upon it is to break down in tears, shit your pants and know that there is a God, thy name is LUCAS! What is this holy Nintendo relic? The Power Glove, of course. With it LUCAS! shall surely crush all who dare defy him! It comes in a case with his fucking name on it! Seriously, how do you out-awesome that?

Now, if you’ve ever actually used the Power Glove you know it’s a total piece of shit, unresponsive in every regard of the word. Though it does apparently allow you to land the plane on Top Gun, something I failed to do as a kid with a normal controller. Still the fact that the Power Glove is played up so much in this singular scene makes it that much funnier. So enjoy and I do reccomend the actual film to be honest, I love the Wizard. It’s so bad.